My Story: Mental Health
⅕ of people in the United States are living with some form of mental illness. (National Alliance on Mental Health)
That is a significant number. Millions of people.
If you are not living with mental illness, you know and love someone who is.
Mental illness affects us all.
That being said, I think that one of the best movements gaining traction in recent years is the push to end the stigma against mental illness. People are speaking up about their mental health and trying to bring to light just how many people struggle with some kind of emotional condition. Thousands of people are doing their part to end the stigma, encouraging others to share their stories, seek help and be unashamed of their condition.
I have spoken about my experience with mental illness a little bit with friends and family but I have never really shared the whole story and gone into depth about it. It just seems too personal and honestly, I am kind of ashamed about that part of my life because during my major depressive episode I made poor decisions that I regret.
But being ashamed about my fight with depression does nothing to help myself or anyone else.
When I refuse to share my story out of fear of what people might think of me and when I try to pretend that part of my life never happened I am actually aiding in keeping the stigma against mental illness alive. And that is not what I want.
I want to share my story and do my part to help break down the stigma around mental illness.
This has been difficult for me to write about. It has brought back memories that I try to keep pushed away and tears as I recall the feelings of intense darkness I experienced.
But I believe in the words of Reyna Aberto, “When we open up about our emotional challenges, admitting we are not perfect, we give others permission to share their struggles. Together we realize there is hope and we do not have to suffer alone.”
So here’s my story.
MY EXPERIENCE WITH DEPRESSION
I am part of the one in five that is living with mental illness. I have been medically diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.
And it sucks. Being in the midst of a depressive episode is emotionally and physically draining.
I cannot tell you how many times I have said “I’m just tired” to someone when they asked me how I was doing.
I usually say it because I don’t want to uncover the battle raging inside my mind. I don’t want to let them see the darkness that is festering in my soul.
In the moment when I am holding onto the fake smile and false cheeriness by a thread, those three words seem to adequately account for my mood.
“I’m just tired.”
Tired of trying to “just think positive!”.
Tired of the hopelessness that is suffocating me.
Tired of acting like everything is fine.
And just plain tired.
It is completely exhausting to be constantly fighting against your own mind.
But thankfully, having Major Depressive Disorder doesn’t mean that I’m depressed all the time. It comes and goes in waves for varying duration and in varying degrees of intensity.
I love to be happy and celebrate life! I love being able to appreciate the simple joys in life. I like to sing along to the songs that play in the grocery store. I like dancing around the house and randomly doing a twirl while walking around. I sing about what I’m doing all the time. I draw cute little hearts and flowers on any piece of scrap paper that comes my way. I am easily excited about small things like eating a bowl of Reese's Puffs! (Who wouldn’t?!).
I really do love being happy!
But when I am going through a depressive episode, it’s like a switch gets flipped inside my brain. And suddenly it’s not possible for me to be happy. I’m not myself anymore.
Depression can feel different to each person.
During my worst depressive episode, I remember lying on my bed trying to figure out how I could actually explain how I was feeling. I came up with the following imagery and I have never forgotten it.
I imagined the outline of my body lying on the ground. On the inside, I was empty. Like I was filled with mist or smoke. Where there was supposed to be a cunning mind and bright personality- there was nothing. An endless fog.
The outside of my body was made with something weak and brittle. Where there was supposed to be strong bone and muscle, there was fragility and weakness.
On top of me was layer after layer after layer of black, heavy bricks.
The weight of the bricks was slowly crushing and breaking my body.
I was trapped in a world of intense darkness. Trying to fight it was pointless. It only led to more pain when I tried and failed to overcome the sense of hopelessness surrounding me.
I came up with this imagery during my most intense depressive period. I am very grateful that my more recent depressive episodes have not been that intense. And there have been many since then. Sometimes my depressive episode will last for a couple days, and sometimes it goes into months.
My worst depressive episode that I am referring to lasted for almost three years.
During that time I had moments of happiness and I have some fond memories from that time in my life, but overall, I was depressed most of the time. And I didn’t even know it. It took me a long time to figure out that I was even depressed.
Unaware that the way I was feeling was abnormal, I had convinced myself that the way I was feeling was normal.
To those of you who are struggling, please know that it is not normal to be feeling constantly sad, hopeless and worthless. You were made to be joyful! (2 Nephi 2:25)
If you think that you may be experiencing some form of mental illness, please educate yourself. Seek medical help if you need to. It is better to seek help sooner rather than later. Do not believe that the way you are feeling is your new normal.
Since I didn’t know better, I had accepted that being depressed was normal, and as a result, for years I was at its mercy.
I believed everything that monster said to me. I believed I was worthless. That I was undeserving of love. I believed I was such a waste of a person that even God didn’t love me. I thought about dying a lot. And I really thought no one would miss me.
My mind felt so broken and dark that I thought the only redeeming quality I had was my body. I became obsessed with “being fit”. But I went about it in unhealthy ways. I ate too little and exercised too much.
I was so desperate to feel something beyond the despair and hopelessness I was experiencing that I looked wherever I thought I might be able to find ‘happiness’ or ‘fun’.
I was willing to try pretty much anything to escape my pain, to escape my own mind. But I didn’t find it in any of the options I explored.
The only place I had not looked was in Jesus Christ and His gospel.
At this point I had distanced myself from God. I had listened to the lies Satan had been constantly whispering into my heart as I struggled: that God didn’t love me, He had seen the darkness in my soul and didn’t want me to tainting the children He loved and was proud of. So I pushed Him away.
The day I let myself believe that trying to overcome my depression was pointless and that God no longer loved me, Satan rejoiced in my despair. He was succeeding in making me miserable like unto himself.
To those who are also struggling with mental illness; Do not give up. Do not stop fighting. When you stop fighting the only one who wins is Satan. He wants you to be unhappy. Please, don’t let him win. Don’t let him steal your hope.
You are not broken or defective. You are simply a human being living in an imperfect world. You are worthy of love. You deserve happiness.
I have lived believing that there was no love and no hope for me. And it was agonizing.
But there is hope. There is hope in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Because of Him our broken minds can be healed.
It took me a while to figure that out, but when I did, it changed my life.
One day I was laying in bed, sobbing as I wondered if the rest of my life would be filled with suffocating darkness. I was completely heartbroken. In that moment I finally reached out to God. I asked, “Heavenly Father, don’t you love me? Why do I feel this way?”
And in an instant I received His answer.
I felt his love surround me.
It felt like someone had thrown a warm, heavy blanket over me. I knew that God was telling me that He loved me. And in that moment I also realized that He had loved me the whole time. His love was “simply always there.”
He had just been waiting for me to turn to Him and ask.
***I want to be clear that praying and coming unto Christ undoubtedly helped me overcome this major depressive episode, but this was a depression so deep that I needed more than just prayer and faith. I needed medical help. Without the medication I took I would not have been able to get out of that dark space. God does not expect us to overcome illness through faith alone.
God expects us to exercise faith in Him AND seek medical care when we need it. Modern medicine is a blessing that He has provided for us to use. So please, use it!
FEELING GOD’S LOVE DURING OUR DARKEST MOMENTS
Even though God’s love is always there for us, we cannot feel that all encompassing love if we do not want it or believe it is there.
For me, it took reaching my lowest point to realize that I desperately needed to feel His love in my life. Experiencing such a low allowed me to more fully appreciate how much the Lord lifted me in my trials.
When I finally was brave enough to ask for love, for strength, and to feel less alone, I also felt the love of my Savior, Jesus Christ, whose great Atonement means that I am never alone. He has literally felt the exact pain and sorrow that I had been experiencing. In that moment I felt the heavy weight I had been carrying lifted, just as Christ lifts us during our trials.
Thinking about this moment in my life brings to mind the famous poem, “Footprints in the Sand.”
I think that if I were looking back on my footprints in the sand, I would see more than just two sets of footprints.
I would see the moments I left the path of light and love of God and Jesus Christ, wandering aimlessly.
I would see indents of my knees in the sand; the moments when I fell on my knees and could not continue using my strength alone.
I would see little circles of clumped sand; the times when I wept and cried out for his strength.
I would see where His feet sank deep into the sand, evidence of the extra weight he bore as he carried me.
I believe that the Lord truly does carry us through our trials. But only if we ask.
Until then, He is still at our side, anxiously waiting to reach down and pick us up.
Christ will always be by our side throughout our life journey. And we will always need to rely on His strength, whether He is simply giving us a little push in the right direction or carrying us.
Even though it was a rough three years, if I was given the opportunity to go back and keep myself from experiencing that kind of pain and sorrow, I wouldn’t change what I experienced.
I am grateful for those years of intense struggle.
I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about mental illness and the healthy and unhealthy ways to combat it. I learned that I was strong enough to overcome time of darkness in my life if I relied on Christ.
It wasn’t until I reached my lowest point that I was able to more fully appreciate the Atonement of Christ. Once I had felt God’s love for myself and I had felt the power of Christ’s Atonement, I was able to start building a testimony for myself.
It started off small and simple. Centered on a belief that God loved me and that Jesus Christ loved me and they wanted me to be happy. As I continue to rely on Christ and His gospel my testimony grows.
HOW I AM LEARNING TO RELY ON CHRIST
Thankfully, my emotional health is much better than it was several years ago. However, I still struggle and have days when it seems like the darkness will win.
But I know that I am not alone.
I have MY Jesus( 2 Nephi 33:6) - who knows, understands and loves me perfectly - standing beside me. A Savior whose very purpose was to come to earth and atone for my sins and those of the world. He suffered in the garden as he took on not only the sins of the world, but every feeling of anguish, heartbreak, pain and sorrow.
Because He walked alone I do not have to.
Not only do I have the Savior to rely on, but I also have a wonderful, loving husband, family and friends who support me and want me to be happy.
And I am learning to be more open with them during darker days.
So often it is through the love of others that we feel the love of Christ. Open up to those around you. Let them serve you and love you.
I pray a lot during those darker days. Sometimes I am praying to ask for strength to get out of bed. Sometimes I pray just to talk and express how I am feeling. And I know God hears me.
Living with depression is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. And it is going to be a lifelong battle for me. It will never fully go away - even during my happy times it is still there. Lurking in the shadows like the monster it is, pouncing on me every couple of months.
But because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His resurrection I know that one day I, and everyone who struggles with mental illness, will be free from its dark and crushing weight. I believe in the words of Jefferey R Holland, “I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and in mind...fully perfect and finally ‘free at last’.”
Until that day comes, I will put my trust in my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that happier days are ahead, and I can find joy in every day of my journey.
HOW TO SUPPORT LOVED ONES THAT STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS
If you read this post and you are not struggling with mental illness, I hope that it gave you a little more insight into what life can be like for the people you know and love who struggle with some form of mental illness.
One of the best things you can do to support loved ones who have emotional conditions is to educate yourself. Learn to recognize the signs of mental health problems so you can be more aware of when they are struggling. As Reyna Aburto said, “Even if we do not know how to relate to what others are going through, validating that their pain is real can be an important first step in finding understanding and healing.”
Here are a few resources:
Quoted in this Post:
Link to Sister Aburto’s talk:
Link to Elder Holland's talk:
2 Nephi 2:25 - “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.”
2 Nephi 33:6 - “I glory in plainness, I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell.”
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